Helping Your Loved Ones Make the Best Decisions for Themselves
All of us know what it’s like for our parents to take care of us. They raised us, got us to school on time, helped us plan for our future and made sure we had food on the table. They loved us, supported us and made sure we were prepared for what the world would bring when we were adults. At a certain point in many of our lives, we will experience the tables being turned. As our parents age, they often get to the point where they are not able to take care of themselves as they once did and, as their children, we want to do what is best to help them live as happily and healthily as possible. Sometimes this involves helping them stay in their homes and sometimes it involves helping them make the difficult decision to move into a retirement community. To help our loved ones make the best decisions, it’s important to become as educated as possible about the options available and to keep in mind that this decisions should be what is best for them.
Many times, seniors can stay in their home as they age. “The benefits to staying in the home are many,” says Betty Cernech with the Visiting Nurse Association. “The consistent environment lends to security, peace of mind and emotional stability that supports good physical health. Staying in the home also limits isolation if friends and neighbors are available and allows them to keep pets, which has been a proven health benefit to seniors. A change in environment and schedule is more difficult as we age and can cause stress and disrupt personal harmony, all which lead to poorer health outcomes.”
However, roadblocks do sometimes occur that make staying in the home difficult. “Lack of support from family or friends can be an issue,” states Betty Cernech. “Physical or mental impairments that keep them from being able to fully care for themselves can also be a problem, as is a physical environment that is not convenient, such as a two story home. Inability to drive and lack of access to socialization or communication with other adults are other issues we see.” If you and your loved ones decide it is in their best interest to stay in the home, you can hire a company such as VNA that can assist them in remaining in the home safely. “VNA provides the whole continuum of care including skilled nursing, physical and occupational therapies, social work, home health aide and IV therapy in the home. VNA has a comprehensive hospice and palliative care program which is community based and provides care in the home or nursing facilities. VNA also provides non-medical services for seniors or others who do not have a skilled need as the result of a hospitalization or acute illness but need some support to stay safe and well in their homes. This might include assistance with bathing, simple meal preparation, companionship, basic cleaning and dish washing, for example.”
Sometimes, leaving the home and moving into a retirement community makes the most sense for all those involved. Of course, choosing the best community is of the utmost importance. “Families play an important role when it comes to finding a place that best suits mom or dad,” say Kristina Bohac and Tracy Marcinski from Elk Ridge Village. “This is a life changing decision and family approval is very important. Children often do the initial research to narrow the search down to the select few communities that their parents will tour and choose from. Often this is very overwhelming for the parent to do on their own. Many times location is one of the biggest keys to the decision depending on the proximity to work and home for the children or areas of town that the parents have always lived in and want to stay in.”
If your loved one has memory issues such as dementia or Alzheimer’s, you have an even more difficult decision to make. “The decision to move into a community inevitably comes down to safety reasons and quality of life for the caregiver and senior affected by dementia,” says Lori Simon with Edgewood Vista. “A community specifically designed to cater to the person with dementia can be a tremendous relief to the family. Many times, due to limitations the disease may bring to the elder, the caregiver also becomes isolated. Communities like Edgewood Vista provide activities and social interactions that the person is probably not getting at home. We work closely with their health care provider and our nursing experience helps to keep them functioning at their current level much longer than when they are at home.”
There are a number of resources available to those who are looking for the right community. One of those is the ElderCare Resource Handbook put out by Care Consultants for the Aging. This handbook informs families about the options available by giving a complete listing of services for families to make an informed decision. If they decide to remain in their home, their home care registry will screen and schedule qualified caregivers to fit their needs.
“Our biggest advice we can give to children of aging parents is don’t wait too long!” say Kristina Bohac and Tracy Marcinski from Elk Ridge Village. “Putting off a move only makes things more difficult. Too many times do we see families and seniors avoiding a move and allowing certain things to happen such as social isolation, malnutrition, medication errors, falls and fractures. Communities such as Elk Ridge Village offer socialization, activities, meals and assistance in activities of daily living.”
“My advice to the children of elders who may be at this stage in life is to do your research on the different communities and what they offer,” suggests Lori Simon of Edgewood Vista. “When there are several siblings involved in the decision, they need to agree that this is the best move for their parent. Many children may feel guilty that they are no longer able to care for their parent. I think when they find the right place they will begin to feel much better about their decision and come to realize that the quality of care their parent will be receiving in a community such as ours is better for the entire family.”
“Educate yourself on what is available, have patience and try not to feel guilty when you realize you cannot do it all and need help,” says Michaela with Care Consultants for the Aging. “There are a lot of emotions and stages that you go through when making health care decisions for someone. Take each decision one step at a time and if you are doing the best that you can then forgive yourself for not being able to be there all the time.”
Diane with Memories Bi-Design suggests providing those seniors who are relocating their homes with keepsakes. “Individuals with Alzheimer’s or dementia often need visual cues to help spark a memory. Having a ‘memory box’ made out of a shadow box with some of their most personal items from their past will often get them thinking and speaking about the special moments from their past. Once their care level has gone beyond being able to verbally express themselves, the memory box will let others know who they are and what was special to them and give them something to visit with them about. After your loved one passes, the memory box truly becomes a treasure that can be passed down through generations.”
Diane with Memories Bi-Design goes on to say that shadow boxes are also great for seniors who are leaving their home for an independent living community as they can put their treasured items and trinkets into one compact space so that they will have them to show family. It’s also a perfect, compact way to take special memories of a spouse who has passed.
To help sum up the parents as caregivers experience, we’re pleased to present the personal story of one of our clients, Roxann Rogers Meyer of Immanuel Communities.
“I recently had my own personal experience with helping my mother through a health crisis. My mother lives in a small community in central Nebraska and I got a message at my office that she had suffered a heart attack and was being transferred to Good Samaritan Hospital in Kearney. Even though I am in the senior housing business, I was not prepared to take the personal journey. After successful open heart surgery, my family needed to make a decision regarding where my mother would go for her cardiac rehabilitation. Since I live in Omaha and I also have a sister residing in Omaha, we felt it was best to have my mother come to Omaha for the rehab. My brothers live in the same community as my mother, but they are both employed in agricultural related companies and we were concerned about their availability to be with my mother during her rehab.”
“So, my sister and I drove the three hours to Kearney and buckled up my mother in our car and drove to Omaha. Mind you, we are travelling the interstate with an 82 year old woman who has just had heart bypass surgery. The trip was a bit scary, but my mother was a trooper. We arrived at the rehab facility and she was admitted for her two – three week stay. Even though I have knowledge and experience in senior care, I was not ready for how sad I was to see my mother in a wheelchair in a small room with a roommate she did not know, with an aide who approached her wanting to know if she was hungry and did she want to go to the dining room. The dining room was filled with mostly skilled nursing residents. My mother looked around the room and asked me “Why did you bring me here? I don’t know anyone who lives here and I don’t know how often you will come visit me and I’m in a place where they call supper dinner time.” My sister and I found it interesting that everyone in Kearney referred to meal times as dinner and supper instead of the “big city” term of lunch and dinner and my Mother found comfort in that language. My mother’s spirits were very low as she tried to blend into the Omaha rehab facility so we made the decision to once again buckle Mom up in the car and head to our small town hospital. I am happy to report that my Mother is in much better spirits as she recovers in a community that calls lunch – dinner and dinner- supper. I have a new realization that my decision should have been based on my Mother’s personal preferences and not solely on the fact that Mom would be closer to my sister and me.”